"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
