Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
