yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
