Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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