Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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