I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Its about making memories worth repressing
this beer tastes like vomit already
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
