She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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