Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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