we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
