There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We have started to decorate penises.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
