I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
