fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
