sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
