i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
