I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
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