So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
