Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
