Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
