he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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