I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
