ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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