I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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