if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
