Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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