I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
