I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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