i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
