An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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