Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
