Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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