Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
