Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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