I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
