I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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