I didn't shave. On purpose
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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