I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
