You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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