There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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