so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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