Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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