Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
