gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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