I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
