Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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