I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
