Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
