Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
