Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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