I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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