Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I believe in your delicious
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
