oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
im holly from the hills drunk
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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