He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
