Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
