now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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