He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
