I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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